A Little Humor

This has nothing to do with politics, society or anything other than ....

"A Day in the Life of a Cat and a Dog"

The Dog’s Diary

8:00 a.m. - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 a.m. - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 a.m. - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 a.m. - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 p.m. - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 p.m. - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 p.m. - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 p.m. - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 p.m. - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 p.m. - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 p.m. - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat’s Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and Snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the Guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an Elevated Cell, so he is safe.
For now.

I Didn't Write This - But It's Great

Here is a column from Gary Hubbell at the Aspen Times Weekly. You can find the page here, but in case the link gets old I'm simply reprinting the column. Here it is:

There is a great amount of interest in this year’s presidential elections, as everybody seems to recognize that our next president has to be a lot better than George Bush. The Democrats are riding high with two groundbreaking candidates — a woman and an African-American — while the conservative Republicans are in a quandary about their party’s nod to a quasi-liberal maverick, John McCain.

Each candidate is carefully pandering to a smorgasbord of special-interest groups, ranging from gay, lesbian and transgender people to children of illegal immigrants to working mothers to evangelical Christians.

There is one group no one has recognized, and it is the group that will decide the election: the Angry White Man. The Angry White Man comes from all economic backgrounds, from dirt-poor to filthy rich. He represents all geographic areas in America, from urban sophisticate to rural redneck, deep South to mountain West, left Coast to Eastern Seaboard.

His common traits are that he isn’t looking for anything from anyone — just the promise to be able to make his own way on a level playing field. In many cases, he is an independent businessman and employs several people. He pays more than his share of taxes and works hard.

The victimhood syndrome buzzwords — “disenfranchised,” “marginalized” and “voiceless” — don’t resonate with him. “Press ‘one’ for English” is a curse-word to him. He’s used to picking up the tab, whether it’s the company Christmas party, three sets of braces, three college educations or a beautiful wedding.

He believes the Constitution is to be interpreted literally, not as a “living document” open to the whims and vagaries of a panel of judges who have never worked an honest day in their lives.

The Angry White Man owns firearms, and he’s willing to pick up a gun to defend his home and his country. He is willing to lay down his life to defend the freedom and safety of others, and the thought of killing someone who needs killing really doesn’t bother him.

The Angry White Man is not a metrosexual, a homosexual or a victim. Nobody like him drowned in Hurricane Katrina — he got his people together and got the hell out, then went back in to rescue those too helpless and stupid to help themselves, often as a police officer, a National Guard soldier or a volunteer firefighter.

His last name and religion don’t matter. His background might be Italian, English, Polish, German, Slavic, Irish, or Russian, and he might have Cherokee, Mexican, or Puerto Rican mixed in, but he considers himself a white American.

He’s a man’s man, the kind of guy who likes to play poker, watch football, hunt white-tailed deer, call turkeys, play golf, spend a few bucks at a strip club once in a blue moon, change his own oil and build things. He coaches baseball, soccer and football teams and doesn’t ask for a penny. He’s the kind of guy who can put an addition on his house with a couple of friends, drill an oil well, weld a new bumper for his truck, design a factory and publish books. He can fill a train with 100,000 tons of coal and get it to the power plant on time so that you keep the lights on and never know what it took to flip that light switch.

Women either love him or hate him, but they know he’s a man, not a dishrag. If they’re looking for someone to walk all over, they’ve got the wrong guy. He stands up straight, opens doors for women and says “Yes, sir” and “No, ma’am.”

He might be a Republican and he might be a Democrat; he might be a Libertarian or a Green. He knows that his wife is more emotional than rational, and he guides the family in a rational manner.

He’s not a racist, but he is annoyed and disappointed when people of certain backgrounds exhibit behavior that typifies the worst stereotypes of their race. He’s willing to give everybody a fair chance if they work hard, play by the rules and learn English.

Most important, the Angry White Man is pissed off. When his job site becomes flooded with illegal workers who don’t pay taxes and his wages drop like a stone, he gets righteously angry. When his job gets shipped overseas, and he has to speak to some incomprehensible idiot in India for tech support, he simmers. When Al Sharpton comes on TV, leading some rally for reparations for slavery or some such nonsense, he bites his tongue and he remembers. When a child gets charged with carrying a concealed weapon for mistakenly bringing a penknife to school, he takes note of who the local idiots are in education and law enforcement.

He also votes, and the Angry White Man loathes Hillary Clinton. Her voice reminds him of a shovel scraping a rock. He recoils at the mere sight of her on television. Her very image disgusts him, and he cannot fathom why anyone would want her as their leader. It’s not that she is a woman. It’s that she is who she is. It’s the liberal victim groups she panders to, the “poor me” attitude that she represents, her inability to give a straight answer to an honest question, his tax dollars that she wants to give to people who refuse to do anything for themselves.

There are many millions of Angry White Men. Four million Angry White Men are members of the National Rifle Association, and all of them will vote against Hillary Clinton, just as the great majority of them voted for George Bush.

He hopes that she will be the Democratic nominee for president in 2008, and he will make sure that she gets beaten like a drum.

Gary Hubbell is a regular columnist with the Aspen Times Weekly.

Bush Gets Credit for Africa Efforts

Here is a story about Bob Geldof talking about how much President Bush has done for Africa.

Geldof criticizes the press for not publicizing the support to Africa that Bush has provided, saying that Bush has done more for Africa than any other American president.

I think the story is kept quiet because of the liberal bias in the media -- of course they wouldn't run a story that shows Bush in a positive light.

You're supposed to hate Bush, and you're just a dumb reader, so you'd better believe what they tell you. And that's all they'll tell you, what they want you to hear.

The Internet is a beautiful thing. No longer are you, the smart reader, forced to be content with whatever crap the mainstream media has decided should be your opinion.

So read the story, it's good. And, for some extra fun, read the user comments after the story, some are rich!

A Short Message to Barack Obama

News reports say Barack Obama has met with John Edwards, who, after dropping out of the race for the Democratic nomination, has not endorsed another candidate yet.

I'm thinking my vote may very well go to Obama, so I pray he doesn't tap Edwards for VP, because as you may know, I despise John Edwards. In my gut I think he's slimy.

So, if Obama has to offer something to Edwards to get his support, I hope it's just some inconsequential post -- one with no real influence -- and not the VP post because then I simply can't vote for that ticket.

Obama runs the risk of being killed by some buck-toothed, inbred moron because of his ethnicity, so whoever his VP is has a good chance of getting the top spot, and I can't picture Edwards there.

If Hillary Loses, She Can Blame Bill

I've said it before, and I'll say it again -- the biggest flaw in Hillary Clinton's campaign is the fact that they keep letting Bill know where the campaign events are.

You know, I really liked Bill Clinton. He ran for president at a time in my life when the Democrats' ideals were more appealing to me (i.e., before I paid taxes and lived in the real world), and his message was inspiring.

Unfortunately, Bill is a total scumbag when it comes to personal conduct, and it made his legacy more of a punchline than anything.

So to see him out there, telling the world that the USA needs another Clinton, is amusing. But he also gets really angry -- with reporters, the public -- and, to me, that's bad for Hillary's campaign, because it makes it look like the Clintons come as a package deal, and that isn't exactly what "change" means -- how can people that have been around for years and years be part of "change" ...?

Anyway, rather than just give you a link to a specific story, just make sure to check in on Drudge regularly, that site has links to most of the recent stories about old Bill screwing up his wife's chances to be president.

Bad Attribution, Good Thoughts

I received a chain e-mail today that had an opinion piece supposedly written by Andy Rooney. You may have received a similar e-mail, it's a typical 'Pass this on if you love America' thing.

Well, the problem is, Andy Rooney didn't write it. Snopes.com, the Internet site that looks to prove/disprove all these Internet myths, has the info on the fake statement here.

The thing is, I don't care who may have come up with these statements -- Rooney, Clooney, Looney, Huey or Dewey or Louie -- some of the ideas in that statement, which in the Snopes article Rooney calls "racist" and such, are actually good, solid opinions that I agree with.

So Rooney didn't make the statement, but someone felt strongly enough about the ideas in that statement to wrongly attribute it to him rather than just make the statement themselves, which is sad, so here are the parts of the statement I think people should read, regardless of author:

"I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television or Miss White America and see what happens. ... Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door."

"Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game."

"I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, which is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts!"

"I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion."

"When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling; it is the Law of Probability.

"I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!

"I don't hate the rich. ... I don't pity the poor."

"I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building."

"It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say 'No!'"

Snopes attributes some of these comments to comedian George Carlin. Maybe, it does sound like some of Carlin's post-drug-use material. But it doesn't matter who said these things, they make sense to me.

The Fast & The Foolish

Every weekend dozens of cars drag race on Long Wharf and, from what I've been told, at a couple of other locations in the area.

Just the other day, an investigation into a crash in Bristol that killed 4 teenagers this past summer concluded that the driver was going more than 100 mph and trying to 'drift' -- pulling the emergency brake and letting the car slide around curves -- like the drivers do in movies like "The Fast & the Furious."

So I was interested in this story out of Maryland, where at least 7 people were killed when a car slammed into a crowd gathered to watch illegal street races.

The story also provides a video link so you can see the bodies strewn along the road.

I think it's ridiculous that, at least here in New Haven, this goes on every weekend, in the same place at about the same time, yet it goes on for a couple of hours before cops eventually come and break it up.

It's a public roadway, and I and my coworkers have experienced it firsthand because if you have to travel that roadway you have to navigate the racers in order to go about your business. It's a public safety issue.

I was talking to someone at work, trying to figure out why it is that the NHPD doesn't just go there before the racing, to stop it from happening.

There must be a reason -- if police knew that every Thursday at 4 p.m. a certain bank was going to get robbed, wouldn't they eventually learn to be there at 3:58?

So what is it? With all the problems in New Haven -- illegal immigration, ignorant kids with guns, rampant crime -- why would Mayor DeStefano and Police Chief Ortiz not crack down on the crime that not only goes on in front of their faces, but that seems to have a set schedule?

Choices

As the primaries for the two major parties' presidential candidate rage on, it seems fairly clear that John McCain will be the Republican candidate, while the Democrat who will run remains unclear. It'll be either Sen. Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton; with Obama leading by only about 200 or so delegates it could still easily go either way.

I watch with interest, because I still have no idea where to cast my vote.

I've heard many great goals from all the candidates, about every issue pressing our nation -- illegal immigration, national security, health care, taxes, foreign policy --but so far all I've heard are the goals.

John McCain said his first task is to secure the borders. OK, how? If it already could have been done, why hasn't it? McCain is a senator -- I would figure that if he knew how to do it, he already would have proposed the legislation to get it done. It mystifies me how a guy who already is in a position to do things can run on a platform of there being things he'll do, if he gets the better job.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have both talked about providing health care to every American, but they haven't really said how they could possible do that without the government regulating health care costs. (There are 47 million people without insurance (16% of the population), according to the National Coalition on Health Care. So, is the plan simply to have the remaining 84% of the nation pay the tab? Do you like that idea? I don't.)

All the other candidates who have dropped out, I don't recall them offering specifics either, just the goal, the observation of what's wrong. Anyone can see what's wrong; I want to vote for the guy who knows how to fix it.

The one thing I like most about Republican Ron Paul is that he doesn't just see a problem, he sees possible reasons the problem exists, and in doing so can at least offer alternative courses of action the nation could try.

I think the big problem with choosing a president now is that one person can't play all the roles necessary in today's world -- businessman, philosopher, strategist, negotiator, scientist.

Is it time for a dual presidency? I had team-taught classes in college, with professors of usually conflicting disciplines, and it was great to be able to see the middle point so easily definable.